Male Friendships and Mental Health: Why Men Don’t Have Friends and How to Make Them

As a young adult, it isn’t always easy to find close friends that you can trust and talk with openly. And for young men, it’s often even harder. Some young men are lucky enough to have close male friendships that started in camp or at college and have remained strong as they grew older. But for many, forging authentic connections with other men can feel daunting.

Why do so many men have no real friends? Many young men, particularly straight men, are afraid to open up to their male peers because they are uncomfortable being vulnerable. Or they may find it easier to express their emotions with a romantic partner, but have trouble doing so with guy friends.

However, having close male friendships is important for well-being. A young man’s mental health is better when he has good friends he can talk to about anything, and who are there for him no matter what. Young men need close male friendships that allow them to be vulnerable and show emotions without feeling judged or shamed.

Key Takeaways

• Emotional intimacy can be difficult for young straight men due to societal pressures to appear “manly” and not show a vulnerable side.
• Romantic relationships aren’t a sustainable substitute for close male friendships.
• Doing activities together, such as sports or other shared interests, can be a starting point for young men to build friendships.
• Research shows that strong male friendships lower stress and improve well-being.

The Friendship Recession and the Decline of Men’s Friendships

“My boyfriend has no friends” is a common refrain among young women. And it’s true of many young men. According to a survey conducted by the Survey Center on American Life in 2021, only 1 in 5 men reported receiving social support from guy friends in the week prior, versus 2 in 5 women. Stats like this have led experts to coin the phrase “friendship recession” in regard to male friendships in particular.

So why are men losing friends as they get older? As young boys, they haven’t yet felt the societal pressure to “be manly” and hide their feelings. But as they age, it often becomes harder for them to buck the stereotypes of how men are “supposed” to act. And those stereotypes include not showing emotion and not depending on others—both of which can be interpreted as weaknesses.

Moreover, men don’t always know how to progress a friendship from doing things together into talking about sensitive topics. Sure, doing specific activities they both enjoy is a great way for male best friends to spend time together. But a real friendship needs to be flexible and go deeper than shared interests.

Why So Many Men Have No Real Friends

There are many reasons why so many men have no real friends. Here are some of the most common explanations.

Not feeling safe to be vulnerable

One of the biggest reasons is that, to build close male friendships that go beyond simply doing activities together, men need to be vulnerable and show emotions. And that requires feeling a sense of psychological safety. Young men need to trust that they won’t be humiliated or rejected if they share something personal about themselves.

Believing that men don’t have—or need—close friendships

Some young men may believe that having a best friend is just for kids, or that deep, meaningful relationships are only for women. They may see the way their female partner interacts with her female friends and think that only women can have that kind of close friendship. And they may even convince themselves that they don’t need good friends, because they’re fine on their own.

Living with family longer

With more young adults living at home with parents, it can be harder to have close friends. Young men may not feel comfortable bringing friends home if they feel embarrassed about living with their parents. Or they may feel like they have enough social interaction because they have family members around them. However, while close family relationships are incredibly important for young adult mental health, they can’t replace peer relationships.

Remote work

Work has traditionally been a place where young people make friends, simply through proximity—spending time together day after day and working together as teammates. But with more remote jobs since the pandemic, work is no longer a place to find close friendships. Recent research on why men are losing friends shows that two-thirds of remote workers have not made a work friend. In addition, the study found that younger workers (Millennials and Gen Z) are the generations most likely to have no friends at work.

Lack of emotional literacy

Boys and men are socialized to focus less on emotional literacy—the ability to identify, understand, and express their feelings and to empathize with others’ feelings. It’s hard to develop and maintain friendships that go deeper than surface level if you have difficulty acknowledging your own emotions, let alone talking about them with others.

Not investing energy in friendships

Even when young men do have friendships, they aren’t always good about putting in the work to maintain and strengthen them. Research shows that women invest more energy in their relationships with their closest friends, by calling, texting, and getting together. But men seem to feel less interested in staying in touch, even with the people they consider their best friends. And when they do get together with friends, it’s often in group settings where conversations are more superficial and less emotional.

Fewer opportunities for friendship as young men age

Making friends in high school and college is a lot easier than making friends in the “real world.” In college, there are often built-in friend groups found in clubs, fraternities, and within academic majors. Young men who join fraternities sometimes find lifelong friends. But if they don’t maintain these friendships after graduation, men may find themselves lonely and isolated. And that can increase the likelihood of experiencing symptoms of depression.

How Close Male Friendships Support Mental Health

A young man may have a robust social life without having true, meaningful male friendships. Young men may have a lot of surface-level friends—guys they can get a drink with, play a pick-up basketball game with, or go to a party with. But that doesn’t mean that they have a lot of close friends. Having strong friendship groups and a good social life provides significant social support. But having one male best friend may boost a young man’s mental health more than dozens of superficial acquaintances.

What does it mean to have a best friend as a guy? Close male friendships involve open and honest communication and mutual trust and respect. Moreover, in healthy male friendships, men are willing to be there for each other—not just for the fun stuff, but also in difficult times. Feeling accepted for who you are, able to be yourself and share your true emotions, has a powerful positive impact on mental health.

Why a Romantic Partner Can’t Replace Guy Friends

Because straight men often struggle to form intimate relationships with other men, they may can depend too much on their romantic relationships for emotional support. Most men feel safer being vulnerable and talking about their emotions with a female partner. A young man may feel embarrassed if he’s having a difficult time and doesn’t want to appear “weak” in front of the guys.

But a romantic partner shouldn’t be a substitute for close friends. Making authentic connections within a male friendship provides a different kind of intimacy that’s important for male mental health. Furthermore, relying too heavily on a female partner for emotional support can be detrimental to the romantic relationship. One person can’t be everything to everyone.

In addition, a young man may sometimes need to talk about what’s happening in his romantic relationship. That’s where guy friends can be invaluable.

How to Make Friends as a Young Man

Despite the social stigma against showing a “softer” side, men want to have close friendships with real emotional intimacy. Here are some approaches for building and maintaining relationships with male friends.

Start with a shared interest

Engaging in emotional conversations in an intimate, one-on-one, face-to-face setting can be intimidating. It can be helpful to start with an activity, such as playing a sport or starting a trivia team together, that leads to an opportunity for real conversation. When guys set aside regular time to spend with their male friends, opportunities arise for more emotionally intimate conversations.

Ask questions that go deeper

Close men’s friendships don’t just appear overnight. Both parties need to put in the work. Witty banter and surface-level conversations are okay to start with. But in order to engage in a more meaningful friendship, men need to be comfortable asking each other harder questions. Showing an interest in how another guy feels about his job, his relationships, or his overall mental health can feel scary. But it’s the only way to reach a new level of friendship.

Take the risk of being vulnerable

To take an acquaintance to the next level of male friendship, men need to not only ask questions and listen, but also share. That means being willing to open up and be honest about sensitive topics like romantic relationships, mental health, and self-worth. Sadly, toxic social norms still push men to be strong and not show weakness. But being honest and open about your feelings actually makes you stronger, and allows others to feel safe opening up to you.

Maintain friendships with check-ins

Having regular check-ins among guy friends helps men feel more connected to others and less alone. That might mean daily texts within a friend group or a weekly get-together that allows time for conversation, not just activities. And it doesn’t have to be within a big friendship group. Young men can check in with their closest friends on a regular basis in one-to-one calls, texts, or meetups. One study found that quick texts or emails mean a lot to those who receive them, especially when they’re unexpected.

Consider talking to a therapist

Sometimes young men needs the support of a mental health professional to process issues that may be getting in the way of creating emotional with other men. Childhood trauma, social anxiety, depression, and other male mental health disorders can prevent young men from forming close male friendships.

Treatment for Isolation and Depression at Newport Institute

At Newport Institute, we support young men to become more comfortable identifying, feeling, and expressing their emotions. Our gender-responsive treatment approach allows young men to overcome isolation by forming meaningful connections with other men who confronting similar challenges. In their time with us, young men process past trauma, learn healthy coping tools, and build a community through group therapy and experiential activities like Adventure Therapy and Mixed Martial Arts (depending on location).

Our nationwide locations provide solutions-based, outcomes-driven residential treatment specialized for young adults. Newport Institute’s young adult treatment is proven to increase well-being by five times, on average. Contact us today to learn more and get started on the path to thriving.

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