Why Young Women Self-Silence, and How It Impacts Mental Health

Self-silencing often starts with trying to do the right thing. Even though you’re exhausted and want to stay in, you put on a happy face and go to the party because that’s what your boyfriend wants. Instead of rocking the boat, you go along with things you don’t really agree with. Rather than voice a preference, you let others decide.

Suppressing your thoughts and feelings to appease others may feel like a considerate thing to do. But when you consistently silence yourself, you not only put close relationships at risk, you also risk your own mental health and well-being. 

Key Takeaways

• Self-silencing involves inhibiting your self-expression, usually to maintain a primary relationship.
• People of all genders self-silence, but women do so more often, due to the cultural pressure for women to be nice, agreeable, and self-sacrificing.
• Mental health effects of self-silencing include depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, chronic fatigue, in addition to physical issues. 
• Stopping the self-silencing habit takes practice, conscious effort, and sometimes professional support.

What Is Self-Silencing?

Self-silencing is the tendency to engage in compulsive caretaking, people-pleasing, and not expressing oneself. Most often, people self-silence in order to preserve a significant relationship. While both men and women self-silence, women are more socialized to do so, especially in intimate relationships.

Self-silencing develops out of societal norms, values, and images that dictate that women behave in unselfish, compassionate, loving, and deferential ways. To ensure that a relationship remains intact, self-silencing women censor themselves and devalue their experiences—even when they feel anger and resentment. What’s most important to self-silencers is to present an agreeable and compliant face to their partner and the world.

Why Do Young Women Self-Silence?

As much as parents try to raise children without gender bias, girls are still brought up to be more sensitive to the needs, desires, and expectations of others. As they grow, their kindness can evolve into an avoidance of conflict to maintain relationships. Young women may adopt a “cool girl” façade—trying to be someone who rolls with the punches and is reliably “chill.” Mothers may put their needs on the back burner to the point of exhaustion. Self-silencing can be common among women who suffer from perfectionism or echoism.

Fear is one of the primary reasons why young women extinguish their voices in relationships. If they have feelings of low self-esteem, they may hide their feelings to prevent rejection. If they’re financially dependent on their partners, they may choose to suppress their thoughts and feelings rather than threaten the relationship. 

Are You Self-Silencing? 10 Signs

There are definitely times when staying quiet to keep the peace is a healthy and self-protective choice. However, classic self-silencers take self-suppression and placating to another level. 

Here are 10 signs that you may be self-silencing:

1. Being influenced more by others’ opinions more than your own
2. Feeling responsible for other people’s feelings
3. Not knowing how you feel because you’re so focused on how others feel
4. Not speaking up in intimate relationships for fear of inciting conflict
5. Finding it hard to be yourself in a close relationship
6. Looking happy on the surface but feeling angry and agitated inside
7. Consistently putting others’ needs before your own
8. Fear of ever appearing selfish
9. Feeling that your partner doesn’t know your true self
10. Never measuring up to the standards you set for yourself

Self-Silencing and Mental Health in Young Women

Keeping a lid on it, so to speak, can have various mental health effects. Holding thoughts and emotions in can lead to feelings of anxiety, increased stress, and reduced self-worth. Some self-silencing women experience a loss of self that contributes to identify confusion. Others may develop substance use disorder to cope with the emotional distress self-silencing perpetuates.

According to longitudinal research conducted by Harvard-trained psychologist Dana Jack, depression is one of the most common mental health effects of suppressing one’s voice and identity within romantic relationships. In 1992, Jack developed the Silencing the Self Scale, a self-report instrument of 31 statements. The scale reflects relational beliefs held by depressed women such as “I try to bury my feelings when I think they will cause trouble in my close relationship(s),” or “I tend to judge myself by how I think other people see me.” While Jack found women from different walks of life engaged in self-silencing, rates were highest among residents at battered women’s shelters.

Self-silencing helps to explain the gender gap in psychiatric disorders like depression and eating disorders. Women are consistently diagnosed with these conditions at higher rates than men. That’s due in part to women’s internalization of the cultural expectations of feminine “goodness” in relationships, which can stifle their self-expression and lead to mental health conditions. 

Self-Silencing and the Mind-Body Connection

Not only does self-silencing affect women’s mental health, research confirms that psychological distress can impact the nervous system and create the conditions for physical illness. One study of 304 midlife, nonsmoking women between 40 to 60 years old found that self-silencing was correlated with increased odds of carotid atherosclerosis, a cardiovascular plaque associated with a higher risk of heart attack. Other research has found links between women’s self-silencing and HIV, chronic fatigue syndrome, irritable bowel syndrome, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, and cancer.

Self-silencing has even been linked to higher risk of premature death among women. In one study, researchers followed 1,493 men and 1,501 women married or in domestic partnerships over 10 years. Women who reported that they “always or usually” stayed quiet in the face of conflict had the highest risk of premature death compared to women who didn’t report self-silencing. This was true even when age, blood pressure, smoking, and cholesterol levels were taken into account.

How Self-Silencing Impacts Relationships

Women who self-silence may feel they’re preserving their relationships by being easygoing, agreeable, and passive. But in truth, they’re limiting emotional intimacy. Prolonged self-silencing can lead to communication issues, greater emotional distance, increased conflict, and less satisfaction in relationships. By clamping down on feelings and going along to get along, women can hinder their sexual satisfaction and prevent themselves from experiencing deeper love. 

Self-silencing is common among women in abusive relationships and those who fear abandonment. It’s also more likely for those who possess an anxious attachment style. Ironically, the anger and hostility that builds up from sitting on your feelings ends up chipping away at the relationships that self-silencers work so hard to maintain.

How to Stop Self-Silencing 

It can feel scary to break out of the pattern of self-silencing, especially when it’s ingrained. The fear of conflict and of losing a significant relationship is real. The good news is that when self-silencers begin to speak their truth, they can begin to enjoy more authentic relationships with others. They also increase their chances of feeling greater peace and self-worth. Here are some of the best ways to stop self-silencing.

Increase your self-awareness

You can’t begin to change your behavior unless you’re aware of it. In a journal or with a counselor, ask yourself some basic questions:

• When did I begin self-silencing and why?
• Why do I continue to self-silence?
• What’s my greatest fear if I express myself?
• What do I get out of self-silencing?

The next time you clam up instead of speak up, acknowledge to yourself that you’ve done it. Write down or make a mental note of the circumstances that caused you to self-silence and notice how you feel.

Honor your emotions, even anger

Ignoring, denying, and sitting on uncomfortable emotions are common ways self-silencers deal with disappointment,grief, fear, resentment, and anger. To break out of self-silencing, one of the first things you need to do is honor your feelings. You’re allowed to have feelings that aren’t perfect and pretty. 

Feelings are a guidepost, offering insight into your relationships with others and signs about which path to choose next. The next time you feel an unpleasant emotion you’re tempted to cast aside, breathe into it and ask yourself instead what you need right now.

Set healthy boundaries

Raised to be nice at all costs, many women fear that if they candidly express their needs and desires, they’ll damage or even destroy their relationships. In fact, the opposite is true. When you tell people know how you’re feeling—and what you’re willing and unwilling to do—you fortify your relationships, because people know what you expect. 

When you stop hiding pieces of yourself, resentment dissipates. Self-respect increases. You feel greater freedom. And your partner has the chance to know the real you, not an inauthentic version you’ve created.

Prioritize your own needs

Self-silencers tend to put their needs on the back burner, which is a set-up for conflict. You can’t continually put your own needs last and not begin to feel resentment. You’ll be able to give more to your partner and your relationship if you make self-care a priority. 

Carve out time to do what nourishes you (take a walk, soak in a hot bath, meditate, visit with a close friend, engage in a favorite hobby, etc.). Self-care makes it easier to bring your best self to your relationship, which can only enhance it. 

Don’t be afraid to disappoint people 

In any relationship, there are going to be times when you can’t give the other person what they need or want. You might not be able to provide it at the time they require it, or to the extent that they need it—or maybe not at all. Part of being a healthy adult is recognizing that you’re not responsible for other people’s happiness. 

It’s also important to recognize that people are resilient, that they can survive disappointment. The next time you fear disappointing someone, remind yourself that you’re not so powerful that you can ruin someone’s entire day or life. Everyone is responsible for their own reactions. Allow people to have their feelings. And work on trusting that whatever disappointment they experience will pass. You’ll feel better having spoken your truth.

Know your worth

If you’re going to stop self-silencing, you need to feel worthy of having opinions and voicing them. Developing greater self-worth entails developing yourself on a variety of levels: mental, emotional, psychological, physical, social, spiritual, even financial. 

The better you feel about yourself, the more confident you’ll be and the more you’ll value what you bring to a relationship. Invest in yourself. Take up a sport you’ve wanted to learn. Pursue a new hobby. Volunteer for an organization you believe in. Change jobs if your current one doesn’t suit you. Seek professional help from someone who can help you identify your strengths and help you develop them.

Get professional support 

There are a lot of things you can do on your own to begin practicing speaking up in relationships. Sometimes, however, there’s no substitute for the assistance of an objective mental health professional. 

A counselor or therapist can help you understand your self-silencing patterns and how they originated. They can also help you reframe self-sabotaging beliefs and make behavioral modifications. The process may be challenging at times, but in the end, the personal growth you experience will empower you to stop shortchanging yourself.

How Newport Institute Treatment Builds Young Adults’ Self-Worth and Relationship Skills

At Newport Institute, our outpatient treatment and residential programs help young adults address the underlying reasons they self-silence and the impact of their behavior on their relationships and overall well-being. 

In a safe and supportive environment, our expert team of clinicians, medical experts, and experiential therapists helps young people build self-worth and address underlying trauma, anxiety, and depression. Time in treatment also includes support to develop self-care practices and build skills for forming and nurturing honest, open relationships.

Contact us today to find out how our specialized treatment plans can help young people honor their voice and develop authentic connections with themselves and others.