The Mental Health Effects of Ghosting

We all know ghosting feels bad. It’s rejection plus confusion—a formula for self-doubt and overthinking. But why does ghosting have such a strong negative impact, even when the “ghoster” is someone you barely knew?

Being ghosted can bring back to life old ideas we have about ourselves that we thought were long dead and buried. And it can even trigger childhood trauma. Moreover, ghosting someone has negative mental health repercussions for the ghoster, too. Repeating this behavior—what’s known as “serial ghosting”—can reinforce patterns of poor communication and conflict avoidance.

Here we take a look at the mental health effects of ghosting on young adults on both sides of the interaction, and explore ways to find closure. We’ll also look at behaviors related to ghosting, such as “caspering” and “breadcrumbing.”

Key Takeaways

• Ghosting refers to suddenly ending relationships by suddenly disappearing from contact rather than saying goodbye or giving an explanation.
• Research shows that ghosting can create mental health issues such as sadness, distress, loneliness and self-doubt.
• To recover from ghosting, young adults can practice self-compassion, spend time with people they trust, and remind themselves not to take ghosting personally.
• If being ghosted brings up unhealed attachment wounds or self-doubts, therapy is a positive option for moving forward. 

How Being Ghosted Affects Young Adult Mental Health

Research shows that ghosting negatively impacts mental health for both the ghoster and the “ghostee.” And it can have both long-term and short-term effects. Here are some of the ways being ghosted impacts mental health. 

Why Is It So Hard to Get Over Being Ghosted? 

Almost everyone has been ghosted or ghosted someone else. And in many cases, you might barely know the person who ghosts you (or vice versa). So why does being ghosted haunt us for so long?

Negativity bias

Humans are wired to hold onto negative experiences more than positive ones. That’s because our ancestors needed to be aware of dangers in the environment in order to survive. Unfortunately, we haven’t yet let go of that tendency, even though it no longer serves our best interest. As a result, it’s easier for us to get stuck on the emotions of being ghosted than to focus on the many positive interactions we have throughout the day.

Uncertainty

The unknowns and uncertainty associated with ghosting make it harder to move on. Without knowing what happened, your mind can spin in circles trying to remember who said what when, and what you might have said or done wrong. You might wonder if something happened to the person and they’re not intentionally ghosting you. (While this is a possibility, it’s usually not the case.)

Old wounds reawakened

If you have a history of abuse, neglect, loss, or betrayal, ghosting can resurface the fears and grief associated with those traumatic experiences. Whether the trauma occurred in childhood, or in an abusive romantic relationship, the wounds may run deep. Hence, they can be easily reopened by a seemingly insignificant event like being ghosted by someone you barely know. And if you had a strong attachment to the person who ghosted you, the feelings of abandonment and loss can be intense. 

Self-doubt

Perhaps most painful of all, being ghosted can lead you to question yourself, your judgment, and even your past relationships. Were the feelings and connection you experienced real? Did the other person feel the same way? Is there something you’re doing that’s causing others to ghost you? Becoming more aware of your own tendencies and patterns may be helpful for you. But victims of ghosting should never feel that they are at fault. No matter what happened between you, the ghostee owed you an explanation and goodbye, at the very least.

Underlying mental health issues

Sometimes the sadness and confusion associated with ghosting isn’t really about the ghosting itself. Rather, the experience is a trigger for other issues. For example, someone who can’t stop obsessing over being ghosted could be suffering from relationship OCD. This is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder in which person becomes fixated on their feelings and thoughts about their relationship. 

Or, feelings of sadness and hopelessness after being ghosted could actually be symptoms of depression. Additionally, an extreme reaction to being ghosted could also be a sign of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). People with RSD have intense emotional reactions to rejection, disapproval, or failure.

Reasons People Ghost Each Other

We’ve looked at how it feels to be ghosted. Now let’s examine the other side of the equation: why people disappear without warning. In one study, ghosters reported the following reasons for dropping out of sight:

• Lack of confidence and skills to engage in direct, honest communication
• Social anxiety that made them reluctant to meet in person
• Different expectations from the relationship than the other person
• Wanting to leave a potentially toxic or unsafe situation
• Trying to avoid hurting the other person’s feelings, and believing that ghosting them was kinder than outright rejection

Do the mental health effects of ghosting also impact the ones who disappear? In general, ghosters tend to report less distress than those who were left hanging. But they also experience consequences, most frequently guilt, shame, and remorse. Moreover, serial ghosting behavior indicates that a person has communication issues that will continue to play out in their relationships. Habitual ghosters may struggle with effectively communicating their needs, preferences, and desires, and may instead shut down or walk away.

Behaviors Related to Ghosting

Ghosting has spawned similar terms for related behaviors, including:

Cloaking: not only ghosting someone, but also blocking them on all communication platforms, including social media

Orbiting: when a person ends a relationship or interaction, but continues to stay connected at a distance, via likes or comments on social media, for example

Breadcrumbing: sending frequent communications that keep the other person engaged, but don’t progress the relationship in any meaningful way 

Caspering: a “friendly ghosting” approach, in which someone makes a clear exit statement before vanishing, such as “It was great to meet you and I wish you the best.” While this can still leave the other person feeling incomplete or wanting details, it’s easier to move on when there’s no gray areas.

How to Cope with the Mental Health Effects of Ghosting

As we’ve seen, ghosting can trigger deep feelings of hurt and feeling that you’re not enough. But you can make a conscious effort to process or overcome the effects of ghosting. Here are some ways to cope with being ghosted.

Let go of the need for closure and answers.

When you don’t understand why someone disappeared, you can spend way too much time obsessing over what you might have said or done wrong. Let it go. The success of a relationship should not depend on getting every interaction “right.” Moreover, any “answers” they might have given you likely wouldn’t have been helpful or illuminating, anyway.

Remember it’s probably not about you.

Being ghosted is usually much more about the ghoster than it is about the person they ghosted. It shows their lack of communication skills and maturity, for one. Furthermore, they might have disappeared for other reasons that are completely unrelated to you. For example, they might have reconnected with an ex, or be going through a tough time, or realize they’re just not ready to date. In a Forbes survey, ghosters cited personal problems, being busy, and lack of confidence as common reasons for ghosting.

Use this as an opportunity to reassess.

In one study, about half of young adults who were ghosted felt it gave them a chance to reflect and build resilience. If you’re being serially ghosted via technology, then maybe online dating isn’t your thing. Consider old-school approaches, like asking friends to fix you up, or going to a singles hike or volunteer event. If you plan to continue using the apps, is there anything you’d like to change about how you interact on them? Some people choose to arrange meetups right away rather than going back and forth for weeks, only to be ghosted. Consider what’s working for you and what’s not. 

Congratulate yourself on dodging a bullet.

A person who vanishes without an explanation is probably a person who doesn’t yet have the skills necessary for building a strong, trusting connection. If you’re looking for someone who’s willing to have hard conversations and work through stressors, they’re probably not there yet. (And if this makes you think about how you could have handled situations differently, that’s okay. Maybe next time you’ll try caspering instead of ghosting!)

Process underlying issues raised by ghosting.

If being ghosted has brought up old, unwanted thought patterns or ideas about yourself, do the work to process and move through these. That might mean journaling about it, making art, writing a letter, or talking to a therapist. You could start with a mental health self-check. If you’re not sure why a ghosting is bringing up such intense emotions, a trained clinician can help you get to the root of what you’re experiencing. And if you’re not sure where to find the right support, we can help. Fill out the form on this page and we’ll call you back within 24 hours. 

Connect with people you know and trust IRL.

When the online world is haunting you, the best way to shake off the cobwebs is by connecting with real-world friends and loved ones who care about you and accept you just as you are. Even if you’re mourning a longer-lasting relationship that ended with no explanation, spending time with close friends and family can help you heal. 

Be kind to yourself.

Self-compassion is proven to help us recover from romantic breakups, especially when our tendency is to blame ourselves. If you’re having trouble getting out of your negative thought loops, try talking to yourself the way you would to a good friend. How would you reassure them this wasn’t their fault, that they are worthy, and that the right person is out there for them? That’s what you need to tell yourself.

Support for Young Adult Mental Health and Relationship Skills

If you’re struggling to get over a ghosting, or being ghosted has resurfaced old wounds, reach out for support today. In individual or group therapy, you can process past experiences and grow your self-awareness and communication skills. 

At Newport Institute, we support young adults to heal from trauma, attachment issues, and other mental health conditions. Our clinical model is specialized for this age and stage, and we understand how technology and the stressors of dating today can impact young people. Our team of experts guides young adults to build resilience and recognize themselves as strong, independent people who deserve love. 

Contact us today to find out more about our young adult mental health treatment.

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