Fear of Abandonment in Young Adults: What It Means and How to Heal

We all worry sometimes about losing a loved one or being left by a romantic partner. But for some young adults, fear of abandonment is a constant concern. They never stop feeling afraid that they may be left out, left behind, or rejected—not only by a partner or family member, but also by friends, acquaintances, or colleagues.

While it’s not an official phobia, fear of abandonment is perhaps one of the most common and damaging types of anxiety. Those who wrestle with it often have difficulty forming healthy relationships. They can exhibit behaviors that push people away, resulting in the very abandonment they dread. Fortunately, with intention and effort, overcoming these fears is possible.

Key Takeaways

• The thought or experience of being physically or emotionally left causes intense anxiety for people with fear of abandonment issues.
• Childhood trauma is a common cause of fear of abandonment.
• People with a fear of abandonment possess an insecure attachment style, usually because their core needs were not met when they were children.
• Just because you suffer from the fear of abandonment doesn’t mean you can’t overcome it.

Signs and Symptoms of Abandonment Anxiety in Young Adults

It’s normal to have occasional insecurities about important relationships. Fear of abandonment isn’t a temporary experience, however. It’s a persistent anxiety that produces unhealthy responses and behavior patterns. In turn, these patterns have negative effects on relationships, making the cycle worse.

People who suffer from abandonment anxiety often experience:

• Distress—even panic—about being alone or unpartnered
• Difficulty trusting people
• Hypersensitivity to criticism
• Fear of intimacy
• Low self-esteem; feeling unworthy of love
• Frequent self-blame
• Repressed anger and control issues
• Insecure attachment style

More specifically, they tend to exhibit behaviors such as:

• Becoming quickly attached—even to unavailable partners
• Needing constant reassurance
• Clinging to unhealthy relationships out of fear of being alone
• Codependency
• Engaging in unwanted sex (more common among young women)
• Sabotaging relationships—pushing people away to avoid the pain of being left
• Difficulty committing to relationships
• Cycling through multiple shallow relationships

What Causes Fear of Abandonment?

Fear of abandonment is rooted in the past, often in childhood. When children receive little affection, lack emotional connection to their primary caregivers, or feel unsafe in their presence, they come to believe people can’t be trusted. They fear future physical and emotional abandonment because it’s what they know. Let’s look at some of the causes of fear of abandonment.

Childhood Trauma

Children who are emotionally, physically, or sexually abused internalize the message that they’re not lovable. As young adults, they may unconsciously choose partners who mimic the hurtful treatment they received growing up.

Death, divorce, parental infidelity, and neglect are other forms of childhood trauma. All of them can damage a child’s sense of object constancy. Object constancy is the ability to feel safe in a relationship despite conflict or geographic distance. A child with strong object constancy understands that significant relationships are not damaged by time apart. A child with weak object constancy may develop irrational fears of being abandoned.

Insecure Attachment

The relationships children form with their primary caregivers have a significant effect on how they’ll attach to others later in life. Those who’ve endured childhood trauma or did not have their physical and emotional needs met are more likely to develop an insecure attachment style.

According to attachment theory, attachment styles mirror the dynamics infants and children experienced with their primary caregivers. Those who endured abuse or neglect may avoid depending on others because they fear betrayal or rejection (“avoidant attachment style”). On the other hand, those who received inconsistent nurturing may be clingy and needy in relationships. Hence, they require constant assurance that they’re loved (“anxious attachment style”). One study of young adult women (ages 18–24) found that childhood trauma was linked to higher levels of anxious attachment.

Stress

By the time most people reach adulthood, they’ve experienced some form of loss and resulting stress. The loss might be the death of a loved one, the end of a romantic relationship, a sibling leaving for college, or a best friend moving away. Most people adapt to these changing circumstances. But others get stuck in the grieving process. Additional stressors can then heighten the fear of abandonment, even if the person didn’t experience abandonment-related trauma as a child.

Philophobia

The fear of love or of becoming emotionally connected to another person is called philophobia. For some people, past romantic relationships have been so painful that they’re afraid of falling in love again. Prior infidelity, betrayal, intimate partner violence, or intense heartbreak cause some people to avoid romantic relationships altogether. They don’t want to risk getting hurt ever again.

Mental Health Conditions

Certain mental health conditions appear to heighten abandonment issues:

• Borderline personality disorder: Research shows that fear of abandonment figures prominently in borderline personality disorder (BPD). For people with BPD, abandonment anxiety can be so severe that interpersonal relationships fracture or completely break down.
• Separation anxiety disorder: People with separation anxiety are plagued by emotional distress when left alone or separated from someone close to them. They may even experience physical symptoms such as headaches, stomachaches, and nausea when thinking about or experiencing separation from a loved one.
• Dependent personality disorder: People with this disorder are marked by an overwhelming need to be cared for, but also fear being alone.
• Avoidant personality disorder: One study suggests that fear of abandonment and attachment anxiety play central roles in avoidant personality disorder.

Abandonment and Attachment Style: How Fear of Abandonment Affects Young Adult Relationships

Attachment theory was formulated in the 1950s by researchers John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. They discovered that the way infants get (or don’t get) their needs met by their caregivers has a significant impact on the way they form attachments as adults.

Those who fear abandonment think and behave in ways that can make it challenging to build healthy relationships with others. They experience intense anxiety when someone they love temporarily pulls away or leaves. Their resulting behavior can damage their closest interpersonal relationships. It can even destroy their relationships.

Some people withdraw or isolate to avoid being hurt. Others become needier, even (or especially) when their partners have asked for space. Many people with abandonment anxiety yearn for closeness. But they sabotage relationships by pushing others away when their fears become more intense. Here’s how the four basic attachment styles affect relationships.

Secure Attachment Style

People with secure attachment are comfortable in relationships. They display interest in people they care about, show affection with ease, and feel worthy of love. They trust others, but maintain clear boundaries, too. They’re not afraid of vulnerability. They can express emotional needs without fearing consequences. They’re also comfortable being on their own. They make great romantic partners, family members, and friends.

Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style

Those with an anxious attachment style experience high anxiety at the thought of being alone or rejected by a partner. They typically have a positive view of others, but a negative view of themselves. Often nervous and stressed about their relationships, people with anxious attachment need frequent displays of affection from their partners. They want consistent reminders that they’re loved. And they worry their partners aren’t as invested in their relationship as they are. They may even tolerate unhealthy or abusive relationships.

When they experience a lack of closeness, people with anxious attachment can become clingy and demanding, even desperate for love. If a partner doesn’t return a phone call, for example, they might call five times in quick succession to ask why. And they become increasingly emotional with each call.

Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style

People with an avoidant attachment style are independent to a fault. They don’t believe they need a relationship to be happy. Relying on others or having others rely on them makes them ill at ease. They typically have a positive view of themselves, but a negative view of others.

Uncomfortable with intimacy and commitment, dismissive avoidants need to maintain a certain level of emotional distance. As a relationship deepens, they begin to feel suffocated. They pull away because they fear being controlled. They tend to mask their true feelings so as not to appear vulnerable. They’re more prone to short and casual romantic relationships so they’re not confronted with more closeness than they can handle.

Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style

This style of attachment (also called the “disorganized attachment style”) typically develops when the child’s caregivers are a source of fear. People with a fearful avoidant attachment style want close relationships. But their lack of trust prevents them from being able to have them. They reach out to others out of loneliness. However, fear of rejection stops them from becoming too bonded.

Fearful avoidant types hold negative views of themselves and others. Unlike dismissive avoidant types, they don’t avoid intimacy because they prefer to be alone. Rather, they’re terrified of being hurt. They often suppress their feelings but lash out at those who try to get close to them. They associate love with intense highs and lows.

Only a small percentage of the population qualifies as fearful avoidants. People with this attachment style typically have other issues like substance abuse or depression. And they tend to spend most of their time in dysfunctional relationships or alone.

How to Overcome Abandonment Issues

As we have seen, the roots of abandonment issues run deep. However, that doesn’t mean young adults with insecure attachment are destined to spend their lives alone or in a series of painful and unhealthy relationships. It’s possible to overcome abandonment fears and develop loving and authentic relationships. Here are some approaches that can help young adults heal from the fear of abandonment.

Therapy

Working with a mental health professional can be profoundly helpful for young adults who struggle with insecure attachment due to abandonment trauma. Therapy can even be helpful for young adults with moderate levels of rejection sensitivity. A well-trained therapist can help young people develop a deeper understanding of their fears and learn to form secure attachments with others. They can also offer emotional regulation strategies—coping mechanisms to draw on when they feel hurt and fearful.

Self-Discovery

A useful way for young adults to overcome abandonment issues is to become curious about the origin of their feelings and behaviors. While self-discovery is part of therapy, it’s possible for young people to practice it on their own as well. They can read up on attachment theory to determine the style they’ve developed. They can write their feelings down in a journal to identify situations that spark their fear of abandonment and imagine helpful coping techniques.

Inner Child Work

Regardless of their age, each person houses an inner child that holds all their childhood feelings and memories. Having a conversation with the inner child can be transformative. In a private space, young adults can hold a picture of themselves when they were young or simply visualize themselves at a tender age. They can tell their inner children all the things they never got to hear—that they’re safe, smart, capable, and lovable. In giving their inner children attention, love, and reassurance, young adults build self-worth and self-esteem. As they do, they’re more empowered to end dysfunctional relationships and seek out nurturing ones.

Connection

No one person should be another’s only meaningful human relationship. Building connections with others is an essential component of a well-rounded and healthy life. Having a sense of community can ease the fear of being alone. For some, creating connection might involve taking a class for fun, joining a sports team, or volunteering at an organization with a meaningful mission. Others may benefit from a support group where they can connect with others who struggle with the same kinds of issues.

Self-Compassion

Many people not only feel shame about their abandonment anxiety, but also judge themselves harshly for thinking, feeling, and behaving the way they do. Developing more self-compassion can help people face difficult situations more calmly and confidently. One way to do this is by reframing negative self-talk like “I’m not lovable” or “People always leave me” or “It’s not safe to be vulnerable.” Replace these with supportive and positive affirmations like “I am lovable,” “Loving others makes me stronger.”

Mindfulness

Practicing mindfulness helps us avoid getting carried away with fear-inducing thoughts. Meditation is one way to practice mindfulness. But young adults can also try being mindful by focusing on activities like gardening, baking, or playing an instrument or a sport. These pursuits can help prevent young people from over-identifying with their thoughts. Focusing on the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and textures of the moment helps reduce fear and anxiety.

Young Adult Treatment at Newport Institute

At Newport Institute, our residential programs and outpatient treatment help young adults address the underlying trauma and mental health conditions that may be contributing to their abandonment fears. In a safe and nurturing environment, our evidence-based care engages young adults in building self-worth, practicing self-care, and cultivating meaningful connections with others.

An expert team of clinicians, medical experts, and therapists guides clients understand and manage their feelings and behaviors. As a result, they are motivated motivation to seek out positive connections, and the tools to maintain satisfying relationships now and in the future.

Contact us today to find out how our specialized treatment can help young people learn how to form fulfilling relationships and realize their full potential.

Frequently Asked Questions