How Do You Deal with a Disrespectful Grown Child?
Reading Time: 7 minutesParenting is a tough job. No matter how well you do it, you still make mistakes. As your children grow, you hope they understand that even though you were an imperfect parent, you’ve always loved them and did your best to raise them well. But even so, sometimes you may find yourself dealing with a disrespectful grown child.
So what do you do when your grown children rarely miss an opportunity to point out your faults? When they roll their eyes at your advice, even ridicule you in public? Dealing with disrespectful adult children is painful. It’s also a red flag that requires action.
Key Takeaways
- There are many reasons why adult children can behave disrespectfully, including stress, childhood trauma, substance abuse, and mental health problems.
- Some of the mental health issues that can lead to disrespectful adult child behavior are anxiety disorders, depression, PTSD, borderline personality disorder, and bipolar disorder.
- When dealing with a disrespectful grown child, listen to their point of view, acknowledge your mistakes, and set clear boundaries.
- Family therapy can help rebuild trust and connection between parents and their young adult children.
10 Common Disrespectful Adult Children Behaviors
At its core, disrespect conveys disregard for others, rules, and authority. Disrespectful behavior can take many forms. It may involve ignoring boundaries, exhibiting sarcasm, refusing to listen, interrupting, and being dismissive.
Some common disrespectful adult children behaviors include:
- Constantly reminding you of your past mistakes
- Insulting you with name-calling
- Picking fights over small things
- Blaming you for their struggles, for how they turned out
- Yelling at you or speaking in a harsh tone
- Storming away or becoming defensive when you try talking to them about their behavior
- Gaslighting (telling you what you’re saying is crazy, that it didn’t happen, that you’re overreacting)
- Borrowing your money or clothes without asking
- Deliberating destroying your property
- Exploding when you refuse to agree to something they want
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What Causes a Grown Child to be Disrespectful?
One in three US adults between the ages of 18 and 34 lives at home with their parents, according to U.S. Census Bureau data from 2021. That’s a 10 percent increase in 20 years.
The high cost of living and a lack of well-paying employment opportunities are largely responsible for the shift. But parents of adult children may still bear the brunt of the blame. Young adult children may be disrespectful because they’re frustrated that they can’t be more independent.
However, there are many other factors that can contribute to adult children’s disrespectful behavior. It’s important to understand the source of the disrespect so you can address the problem effectively. Here are some other reasons why your adult child may be disrespectful:
Immaturity
Young adults’ brains aren’t fully developed. While many parents consider their children adults at 18, the adolescent brain continues to mature well into the 20s. They may look grown, but many young adults still aren’t able to regulate their behavior. Nor can they fully consider the consequences of their actions until they’re closer to 30 than 20.
Dysfunctional Family Dynamics
Parenting styles, family dynamics, and communication patterns impact how young adults interact with others. If parents and children were often in conflict during the adolescent years, this may continue into young adulthood. However, it’s not too late to start changing those patterns.
Childhood Trauma
Adult children with a history of trauma, particularly in their family of origin, are more likely to act disrespectfully. For example, growing up with a verbally abusive father may mean that a child learns to accept abuse as normal. As the child grows, he may begin speaking to his mother disrespectfully because his father normalized bad behavior.
Substance Abuse
If your adult child suffers from substance abuse, the impact on your relationship can be profound. Addiction to drugs or alcohol can cause volatile and angry behavior that looks like disrespect but is actually a symptom of substance use disorder.
Life Stressors
When young adults face difficult transitions, such as moving, their parents’ divorce, or the loss of a loved one, they may behave disrespectfully. Disrespectful behavior is especially likely if they lack the necessary tools to manage their stress.
Mental Health Problems
Mental health issues can affect the way young adults behave toward their parents. Untreated mental health symptoms can change the way grown children perceive and communicate with their parents. They can also hinder a young adult’s ability to manage their emotions.
Young Adult Mental Health Issues and Parent-Child Relationships
If your adult children are dealing with a mental illness or a mental health issue, they may be rebellious or act out in hurtful ways. They may be unable to control their behavior. Here are some of the mental health conditions that may prompt disrespectful young adult behavior:
Anxiety Disorder: Young adults with anxiety disorders experience intense bouts of worry and fear—even panic—in connection with everyday situations. The feelings are difficult to control and out of proportion to their triggers. Feeling restless and on edge, grown children may lash out for irrational reasons even they don’t understand.
Depression: Depression a serious mood disorder affecting how someone feels, thinks, and manages daily activities. Young adults who suffer from depression can exhibit a range of symptoms, including irritability and annoyance. It’s not uncommon for them to withdraw from people, leading to conflicts with parents and other family members.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): A young adult can suffer from lasting trauma due to a one-time event like a school shooting or from chronic abuse or neglect. In either case, PTSD can cause young people to exhibit aggressive behavior or irritability. Without the proper treatment, PTSD symptoms are likely to grow worse.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): Young adults with BPD have difficulty regulating their emotions. They’re prone to shifting moods, volatility, and uncontrollable bursts of anger. They can swing from extreme closeness to extreme dislike, leading to unstable relationships and emotional pain.
Bipolar Disorder: Often diagnosed during late adolescence or early adulthood, bipolar disorder is linked to intense emotional states called mood episodes, which last days or even weeks. These episodes are categorized as manic/hypomanic (abnormally happy or irritable) or depressive. When experiencing mood episodes, grown children can behave in ways that are out of character, without recognizing their impact on others.
6 Ways to Deal with a Disrespectful Adult Child
Dealing with disrespectful grown children is different from dealing with disrespectful minors. We generally expect young adults to know how to interact with others in civil and appropriate ways. When your young adult child exhibits disrespectful behavior, make a conscious effort to address the issue before it gets out of hand. Here are some tactics:
Call Out Disrespectful Behavior Respectfully:
Instead of sitting on your feelings and exploding when you can’t tolerate it anymore, take a deep breath and bring your adult children’s rude behavior to their attention in the moment. They may not even realize they’re behaving disrespectfully towards you. Modeling healthy communication is essential, so be as respectful as possible. “When you speak to me in that tone,” you might say, “I need you to know that I feel disrespected and hurt.”
Initiate a Heart-to-Heart Conversation
Tell your adult child you’d like to have a conversation. Broach the topic gently. “I’d like to talk to you,” you can say. “Is this a good time?” In a factual way, tell your child what you’ve observed and how their disrespect affects you. Having an open conversation can help repair your relationship, boost trust, and foster closeness.
Listen with Compassion
Children—no matter their age—want to feel seen and heard by their parents. Allowing them to share their thoughts and feelings without interrupting goes a long way towards validating their experience. Healthy communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and listening is a vital piece.
Assess Your Parenting Style
Take an honest look at what you can change. Are you overinvolved or helicopter parenting your young adult child so they feel they need to keep pushing back? Do you judge their choices, making them defensive? Consider what shifts you can make that will help your disrespectful grown son, daughter, or nonbinary child feel more accepted by you.
Accept Responsibility
No parent parents perfectly. Of course you made some missteps, maybe even some significant ones. Acknowledging them goes a long way to repair your relationship with your adult child and grow their respect. Hold yourself accountable and empathize with your child’s feelings. When you take responsibility for your part, your adult children are more apt to acknowledge theirs.
Get on the Same Page with the Other Parent(s)
Conflicts between parents or their romantic partners can contribute to adult children’s disrespect of one or both parents. If you have a spouse or partner who’s active in your adult child’s life, get on the same page about how to respond to your child’s disrespectful behavior.
Family Therapy for Coping with Disrespectful Adult Children
Family therapy is a useful tool for parents who’ve been coping with disrespectful adult children. Whether parents are estranged from their grown children or feel concerned for their family’s well-being, therapy allows parents and their adult kids to seek support, express their feelings in a safe environment, and learn tools to manage them more effectively.
Trained and licensed therapists help families communicate with one another in healthy ways, building trust and mutual respect. While many models of therapy exist, Attachment-Based Family Therapy can be especially beneficial.
Attachment-Based Family Therapy (ABFT)
Rebuilding trust among family members can be challenging without support. Attachment-Based Family Therapy (ABFT) is an evidence-based family counseling modality. ABFT is designed to heal attachment ruptures in early childhood such as abandonment, neglect, criticism, and detachment. It was developed to prevent suicide and depression, and it also bolsters empathy and authentic connection between parents and their adult kids.
Families undergoing ABFT engage in five specific tasks during the therapeutic process. Each task, such as building therapeutic alliances, repairing attachment ruptures, and promoting autonomy, helps to heal familial connections and support meaningful relationships among family members.
Young Adult Treatment at Newport Institute
Strained and fractured relationships with adult children are stressful. Repairing broken family bonds is the key to healing those connections. At Newport Institute, family therapy is part of our individualized treatment plans. We understand what a powerful impact it can have.
Our residential and outpatient therapeutic programs help young adults and their parents address the wounds that produce disrespectful behavior. Grown children heal from attachment wounds and assemble a toolkit of healthy coping mechanisms. As a result, they begin having more satisfying adult relationships not only with their parents, but with others as well.
Contact us today to find out more and schedule a free assessment.
Frequently Asked Questions
What causes adult children to be disrespectful of their parents?
What triggers disrespectful behavior in an adult child?
How do you deal with a disrespectful grown son or daughter?
