Is Yearning Bad for Mental Health?

Yearning is everywhere in the media these days—Shane and Ilya in Heated Rivalry, Cathy and Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights, the Darcy hand flex, and of course, the poster boy of yearning: Conrad in The Summer I Turned Pretty.

Why is yearning having such a moment? In an age when dating apps can make romantic connections feel fleeting and disposable, yearning represents devotion, loyalty, and authentic emotion.

But is yearning good or bad for mental health? Here we look at the psychological impact of yearning, why yearning can be addictive, and how to transform yearning into growth.

What You’ll Learn

• Why do teens and young adults yearn more than older people?
• What’s the difference between yearning, limerance, and love addiction?
• What are the mental health impacts of yearning?
• How can you use yearning to spark growth?

What Does It Mean to Yearn?

Yearning is a feeling of intense and overwhelming longing. It’s often used in connection with a romantic object or experience, usually one that’s just out of reach or not entirely fulfilled. It can also be associated with a time or place in the past—a type of longing known as nostalgia.

Yearning is a complex emotional state that contains both negative and positive emotions. It has the potential to boost well-being by fostering feelings of connection, hope, and love.

But yearning can also lead to depression, anxiety, and loneliness. That’s because it often stems from idealized memories, grief and loss, or insecure connection. 

Why Do Young People Yearn More?

People of any age can experience extreme longing, but young people are more likely to yearn. In Emily Brontë’s novel, Heathcliff and Cathy are around 15 or 16 when they fall in love. Noah and Allie in the movie The Notebook are both 17 when they meet. Romeo and Juliet were even younger.

On the other hand, stories of obsessive love featuring older protagonists (who aren’t stalkers or psychopaths) are much harder to find. There’s a reason for that: Yearning is developmentally appropriate for teens and young adults, but less so for other generations. Here are some of the key reasons why.

Still-Developing Brain

The brain’s prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for emotional regulation and impulse control, is not fully developed until age 25. At the same time, the amygdala—which processes intense emotions—is very active, leading to more extreme highs and lows.

Identity Formation

Teens and young adults are figuring out who they are. Romantic interests and relationships feel like a crucial way to define themselves, leading to intense attachment, relationship anxiety, and fear of loss.

Dopamine Sensitivity

The brain’s reward system is more reactive during adolescence and young adulthood, leading to stronger feelings of joy and addictive behaviors.

The Newness of It All

First love often feels like the most intense and powerful love because everything about it is new. Experiencing something for the first time naturally makes us pay more attention to how it feels and the emotions it evokes.

Heightened Reactions to Rejection

Finding accepting, intimate relationships outside of one’s family is a primary goal of the young adult years, according to Erik Erikson’s stages of development. That makes romantic rejection seem scarier and more significant.

Lack of Perspective

Because they have less life experience, young people may view breakups as catastrophic. Adults, with more emotional regulation and experience, have an easier time seeing the long view and considering the pros and cons.

Not Being Ready for Something Real

Being in a state of yearning means you don’t have to deal with the consequences of getting what you want. Young people can dream about that perfect somebody without doing the work required by an authentic relationship or facing the disappointment of the reality not living up to their romantic vision.

Why Yearning Can Be Addictive

Yearning can feel like wiggling a loose tooth—it hurts, but you can’t stop doing it. In fact, researchers have found that intense yearning, particularly when it’s associated with romantic rejection, stimulates the same brain reward systems that are involved in drug addiction.

Studies also show that the emotional pain of rejection is processed in the brain regions associated with physical pain. This helps explain why the pain of unrequited love or a breakup can create such intense, full-body distress.

In essence, the brain reads the romantic loss as a threat to survival—a life-or-death situation. That leads to obsession and an inability to let go. In some cases, recovery from romantic rejection can be as difficult as overcoming a physical addiction. 

The Difference Between Yearning, Limerance, and Love Addiction

Limerance and love addiction are two forms of longing that are associated with insecure attachment and obsession. Here are some of the ways they manifest and what makes them different from yearning.

Signs That Yearning Has Become Unhealthy

How can you tell when your own or a loved one’s romantic longing has crossed over into unhealthy thoughts and behaviors? Here are some signs that yearning may be having a negative impact on mental health:

• Obsessive ruminating that interferes with work, school, or daily responsibilities
• An overwhelming need for constant validation and reassurance
• Severe anxiety or panic when they’re not in contact with the romantic object
• Ignoring red flags about the person or relationship
• Putting the love object on a pedestal and not being able to see them clearly
• Stalking them online or in person
• Abandoning hobbies, friends, and self-care to focus entirely on the object of desire
• Insomnia
• Weight changes
• Depression and suicidal thoughts related to the relationship
• Physical symptoms like heart palpitations and tension

How to Transform Yearning Into Growth

So far, we’ve looked at the negative and addictive aspects of yearning. But is there an upside?

Yes, if you can work with the feelings in a way that will support your well-being. As Steven C. Hayes, PhD, author of Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life, puts it: “When understood and intentionally redirected, [yearnings] can guide us toward connection, clarity, and growth.”

Here are five ways to transform yearning into growth and forward movement.

1. Focus on staying in the present.

Instead of ruminating about the past or daydreaming about the future, focus on what’s happening right now and what’s already working well for you. Stimulate “feel good” hormones by nurturing your passions, trying new things, and strengthening relationships with people who are always there for you.

Meanwhile, time will help you heal from a breakup or other loss. The study on yearning and addiction looked at how participants’ brains reacted to photos of their exes. Researchers found that, as time passed, the area of the brain associated with attachment showed less activity when the participants viewed the images. 

2. Don’t mistake drama for love.

Relationships don’t have to feel like a rollercoaster to be real. Are you or your partner manufacturing the ups and downs to try to keep things alive? Or does your romantic interest inspire your yearning by being inconsistent or breadcrumbing you?

Don’t fall into the trap of seeing the red flags as heart-shaped balloons. Stable relationships are characterized by trust, respect, and open communication rather than constant yearning. 

3. Get comfortable with both intensity and neutrality.

Yearning and other strong emotions can make us feel alive. That’s why we seek out media and experiences that scare us, make us cry, or open our hearts. Letting yourself feel the emotions connected with longing, without either wallowing in them or pushing them away, can increase your self-awareness and emotional intelligence.

But it’s also important to accept the times when our emotions and state of mind are more neutral. Feeling content, relaxed, interested, or even just okay, for example, isn’t as exciting as yearning or euphoric first love. But in the long term, learning to embrace these quieter emotions will lead to more stable mental health.

4. Use yearning to clarify what matters to you.

Yearning can spark motivation by encouraging us to move toward greater fulfillment, creativity, and purpose. If we’re able to look at longing with a more analytic mind, it can show us what we care about and point us to inner truths.

Deeply feeling what you crave helps clarify what truly matters to you, allowing for better, more intentional choices in life. Journaling and other types of creative expression can be powerful tools for uncovering the lessons of yearning.

5. Ask yourself what you’re really yearning for.

Does the person you’re longing for represent a feeling, a moment in your past, or a part of you that you want to be more in touch with? (Think: Conrad and Belly in The Summer I Turned Pretty trying to recreate the memory of their carefree summers in Cousins when Susannah was still alive.)

If so, how can you find that in other ways? Consider how you can light up the same neural pathways with experiences and connections that are unrelated to the object of your longing.

Support for Young Adult Mental Health, Grief, and Relationships

Newport Institute is the leading provider of comprehensive, evidence-based behavioral healthcare for young adults 18–35 who are strugging with anxiety, depression, PTSD, OCD, and other conditions. Our whole-person approach addresses depression, loss, and grief, while supporting clients to build healthier relationships.

Every client in our programs receives an individualized treatment plan designed to address their unique needs. Across our centers nationwide, you’ll receive robust, evidence-based care, including psychiatry, therapy, academic or career support, group connection, and family involvement.

Reach out to learn more about us and our approach.

Frequently Asked Questions