What to Do When You’re Feeling Left Out  

Feeling left out, excluded, or rejected can be incredibly painful. We all experience it at one time or another, but it still hurts. On the worst days, it can seem like everyone else is doing well, having fun, or enjoying life—without you.  

But feeling left out may be less about your relationships with others, and more about what’s going on inside you. Feeling excluded and not valued can be a symptom of anxiety, depression, or another mental health condition.  

In this article, we’ll help you understand what you’re going through and learn healthy ways to cope with feelings of loneliness and isolation. 

What You’ll Learn

• Why is feeling left out so painful? 
• In what ways does feeling left out impact your mental health? 
• How can I cope with the pain of feeling unwanted? 
• How can treatment help with feeling left out? 

Understanding the Emotions Behind Social Isolation 

When you feel left out, why does it seem so personal and painful? Brain imaging studies show that social rejection literally hurts: It lights up the same parts of the brain that are activated by physical pain. That’s because humans are social beings by nature. We are dependent on each other for resources and survival. Newborns can’t survive without the help of parents or caregivers, and they can’t thrive unless they are held and nurtured. A need for connection is part of the fabric of our existence. We all naturally have a fear of being left out. 

Furthermore, not being part of the group can feel threatening, because long ago, being isolated meant your chances of survival were slim. We have a “safety in numbers” mentality since that has proven to be true over many thousands of years. And we often want to connect with people “like us” because what’s familiar feels safe. 

However, it’s not always easy to be in groups. Groups require a certain amount of conformity, and not everyone can or wants to conform. Some people rebel against the idea of being too similar to others. All of us want to be recognized as unique and independent—while still being accepted and valued. That’s why it’s not uncommon to feel out of place or like you don’t belong. 

If you’re thinking about hurting yourself or ending your own life, please text or call the national Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 or go to your nearest emergency room right away.

The Link Between Mental Health and Feeling Left Out  

Feeling left out understandably has a negative impact on mental health. But it goes the other way, too: Mental health issues can magnify feelings of being neglected and unwanted. Sometimes you may perceive that you are socially isolated or unwanted, but that’s not actually true. For example: 

• When you’re depressed, you may think that you’re not loved, that your life is not important, or that no one would miss you if you were gone. Those thoughts are a clear sign that you should reach out to a mental health professional. 
• If you struggle with anxiety, your nervous system might be on high alert. Hence, it can cause you to imagine that your life is going to fall apart or that nobody likes you, when the truth is usually much more benign. 
• Other mental health conditions, like schizophrenia or certain personality disorders, can induce a sense of paranoia. As a result, people with these conditions might choose to withdraw socially, leaving them feeling isolated and alone. 

Ways to Cope When You Feel Left Out 

If you keep feeling excluded or left out, you can take action and take control. Instead of defining yourself by rejection, you can find ways to build skills, strengthen your sense of self, and make connections with others. Here are some ways to do that. 

Explore what might have gone wrong 

What if you are truly being left out? Instead of obsessing over the rejection, investigate whether there’s an issue with your friend group, and see if you can make it right. If you’re brave enough to engage in honest communication and be vulnerable, your relationships may even get stronger. 

If the problem can’t be solved, you can view it as an opportunity to change course. Choose to connect with different people and not interpret the falling out as a personal flaw. After all, relationships can be messy, and they take time and effort. Losing them can hurt, but you can heal and move on. And hopefully you’ll find new people who appreciate you for who you are. 

Practice a growth mindset 

Building mental and emotional resilience involves having a learning mindset. In her book Mindset, Carol Dweck talks about how our willingness to adapt is what helps us succeed in spite of any challenges we face. That includes resilience in our relationships. 

When we view missteps as flaws we can’t change, or challenges as problems we can’t overcome, we tend to spiral and regress. But when we see them as opportunities to learn and build new skills, we grow and become more resilient. 

Expand your circle  

Maybe there are certain groups you need to stop trying to fit into. Do you only hang out with people you went to school with, or people who like the same sports teams? Maybe your relationships are more about habit and comfort level than they are about depth and caring. 

Instead of confining yourself to one particular group, try getting to know all kinds of people with a variety of backgrounds, interests, and stories. As you find out more about lots of different people, you’ll discover that no one really fits in a box. We’re all kaleidoscopes. 

Seek out people with similar passions 

While you’re growing your connections, you can also zero in on people who have similar interests. Think about your passions and hobbies. Then find people who share them.  

Consider attending a class, a meetup, or events in your community. You could join a hiking group, a book club, or a volunteer organization that works for a cause you care about. 

Remember you’re not alone 

We all want to belong and be valued by others, but feeling out of place is more common than you might think. And spending time on your Instagram friends’ curated feeds can make you believe that everyone else is living their best life while you sit at home.  

But according to a poll by the American Psychiatric Association, 30 percent of Americans aged 18–34 report being lonely every day or several times a week. Reminding yourself that it’s not just you can help you accept feeling lonely or left out sometimes. 

Don’t beat yourself up 

If you want to know how to stop feeling alone and unwanted, self-acceptance and self-care are a great way to start. Be compassionate and understanding toward yourself. And resist the urge to self-isolate.  

Talking to yourself in a loving way is one way to activate self-compassion. Tell yourself that rejection does not define you, and that you are capable of loving, healthy relationships, even if it’s hard sometimes. You can also place a hand or both hands on your heart when you feel stress or self-judgment arise.  

When to Seek Treatment for Feelings of Exclusion 

If your feelings of exclusion become more severe, affecting your everyday life, or if you are contemplating suicide, it’s time to seek help.  

At Newport Institute, we help young adults rediscover their authentic selves and heal from depression, anxiety, social isolation, and other mental health issues. Plus, you’ll find a caring group of peers who understand what you’re going through. Many of our alumni stay in touch and support each other long after treatment is over. Treatment at Newport includes:

• Attachment-Based Family Therapy to address childhood dynamics and communication patterns
• Group therapy to foster connection and practice vulnerability with others who have had similar experiences
• Individual therapy for personalized support and healing
• Experiential therapies like art, music, movement, and mindfulness, to build self-worth and develop new coping skills
• Psychiatric care and medication management as needed
• Life skills programming to build confidence in your academics, career plans, and personal life

Ready to take the first step toward creating a more fulfilled and connected life? Our admissions team is standing by ready to answer all of your questions. Contact us today.  

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