What Is Relationship OCD? Symptoms, Types, and Treatment
Reading Time: 6 minutesby Meredith Hettler, LMFT, National Director of Newport Healthcare’s OCD and Anxiety Program
To understand what relationship OCD looks like, cast your mind back to the classic film The Notebook, based on the Nicholas Sparks novel. In the movie, Rachel McAdams’ character, Allie, grapples with making the biggest decision of her life. Should she choose the “perfect” man, rich, educated Lon Hammond, who looks great on paper and, most importantly, who her parents approve of? Or should she choose Noah, the ragtag guy-next-door from her small town?
As audience members, we are captivated by this romance. We love the emotional push and pull and the sense of happiness and relief we feel when we find out that Allie chose the hero of the story, Noah. It’s hard to forget that scene where the reunited couple kiss passionately in a rainstorm.
But what if, long after that moment, Allie continued to question whether Noah really was her person? What if she was left wondering, day in and day out, whether she should have picked Lon? And what if she couldn’t stop thinking that there might be someone else out there better than both Lon and Noah? Imagine that Allie questioned every emotion, every bad day, every man she met moving forward, and always wondered, “Did I make the right choice?”
This is what relationship OCD looks like.
Key Takeaways
- Relationship OCD (ROCD) is a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder in which a person constantly questions their relationship or their partner’s qualities.
- Symptoms of relationship OCD include compulsive thoughts and excessive doubts and uncertainties that go far beyond normal doubts about a relationship.
- The most common type of ROCD involves romantic relationships, but ROCD symptoms can also focus on parents, children, siblings, and friends.
- Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy is the gold-standard treatment for OCD, including relationship OCD.
What Is Relationship OCD?
The International OCD Foundation defines relationship OCD as a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder that focuses mainly on intimate relationships. Symptoms of relationship OCD (ROCD) include excessive worry, doubt, and/or concern related to the nature of the relationship or to their partner directly.
Relationship OCD is not limited to excessive worry or intrusive thoughts about one’s romantic partners. It can be experienced in parent-child relationships as well. Additionally, ROCD can be broken up into two presentations:
Partner-Focused ROCD
In this presentation, the focus is on the qualities a partner possesses. For example, is your partner more or less attractive, intelligent, or witty compared to others? This form of ROCD could also include excessive fear or preoccupation with a partner’s previous relationships. The person with ROCD sufferer might wonder whether they measure up to their partner’s previous relationships. Or they might wonder what their partner acted like in previous relationships.
Relationship-Centered ROCD
In this type of relationship OCD, the focus is on the nature and quality of the relationship. People who suffer from relationship-centered ROCD may constantly doubt whether they picked the right partner. Or they may become excessively worried about whether their partner loves them, or if they are experiencing “real love.”
In both presentations, the person suffering from ROCD experiences ongoing, continual doubt and uncertainty. In fact, this is a hallmark in all presentations of OCD.
The Difference Between Relationship OCD and Typical Relationship Doubts
The main difference between relationship OCD and typical relationship worries is the level of compulsive or ritualized behavior associated with the concerns. Over the course of time, anyone in a relationship will experience doubt. It’s not unusual to question whether your partner is “right” for you or if you are truly experiencing love. And that’s true whether someone is in a good relationship or an abusive one.
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Here are some examples of typical relationship doubts:
- Running into your high school boyfriend at a class reunion and wondering about what might have been
- Talking to friends at the start of a relationship about whether your new partner isn’t as into you as you are into them
- Occasionally comparing your partner’s attributes, such as their looks, sense of humor, or style, to those of your friends’ partners
However, when it comes to relationship OCD, that sense of doubt is constant, and is not proportional to the situation. It’s excessive, ongoing, and often irrational, and nothing seems to lessen or prevent it. Moreover, a person with ROCD engages in rituals such as reassurance seeking, checking, avoidance behaviors, and constant comparison.
Relationship OCD Symptoms
Here are some of the common ways that ROCD manifests:
- Constantly worrying that you aren’t attracted to your partner
- Always seeking reassurance that you’re truly in love with your partner—including consulting family and friends, spending hours online researching what love feels like, and taking online quizzes about true love
- Excessively worrying about whether your partner is as intelligent as you are, and checking by rereading their texts and emails to check if they’re well written, and checking their college GPA
- Obsessively comparing your relationship with the relationships your friends or acquaintances have, with celebrities’ relationships, and/or with relationships you see in the movies or on TV
- Checking your feelings about your partner all the time (Am I feeling love for them right now?Am I feeling attracted to them?)
Other Types of ROCD
Relationship OCD isn’t always focused on romantic relationships. Here are some of the subtypes of ROCD:
Parent-Child ROCD
Parents with ROCD may fixate on whether their child has the intelligence, social skills, or looks to succeed in life. They become focused on the child’s perceived flaws that could prevent the child from thriving. On the other hand, a child with ROCD might constantly ruminate about whether their parent loves them or if they’re living up to their parent’s expectations.
Sibling ROCD
In this form of ROCD, the person becomes preoccupied with comparing their achievements and qualities to those of their sibling. Moreover, they are continually competing with them and attempting to one-up their sibling.
Friend-Focused ROCD
A person with ROCD might focused on friends or friend groups. Hence, they could experience uncontrollable worrying about whether their friends really like them. Or they could get obsess over a small comment or critique made by a friend, and not be able to let it go.
ROCD in the Workplace
ROCD can extend to relationships with one’s colleagues. Obsessions and compulsions around one’s performance at work, how you’re perceived by co-workers, and whether you’re truly valued by your colleagues could all be ROCD symptoms.
What to Do If You Think You Might Have Relationship OCD
If you think you might be suffering from ROCD, reach out to a therapist who can assess your concerns and point you in the right direction for OCD treatment. The most effective OCD treatment is Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy. In ERP therapy, the gold-standard treatment for OCD, a therapist will guide you to safely expose yourself to distressing or anxiety-provoking situations. Then you will use new distress-tolerance skills and other ERP tools to avoid engaging in compulsive or ritualized behaviors. Over time, the intensity of the trigger begins to fade.
The OCD Cycle
Treatment for ROCD is more effective if the partner or family member you obsess about is also engaged in treatment. The ERP therapist will provide psychoeducation to both of you about the nature of OCD. And they can help your partner or relative learn to engage with you in a manner that best supports you to manage your OCD symptoms.
Furthermore, many people with OCD experience shame and guilt. This can be especially true for individuals with ROCD who experience intrusive thoughts related to their love or attraction to their partner. Remember that OCD tends to attach itself to thoughts that are scary, anxiety provoking, and not in line with who we are and our true beliefs. As you move through ERP treatment for OCD, you will learn to manage those thoughts and understand that they are OCD thoughts and not necessarily true.
Treatment for Relationship OCD at Newport Institute
Our OCD treatment addresses ROCD and other forms of OCD using a whole-person approach. Our experts create an individualized treatment plan for each client that includes a wide variety of modalities, provided by a multidisciplinary care team. Each young adult’s treatment plan for OCD includes 4.5 hours daily of ERP therapy, delivered in individual sessions, group sessions, and exposure homework.
In addition to ERP, our OCD treatment for young adults incorporates psychiatric care and medication management, family and/or couples therapy, and experiential activities like art, music, and outdoor adventures. We also provide a robust life skills component to prepare emerging adults for success in their education and career paths.
Contact us today to learn more about our specialized young adult OCD treatment and schedule an assessment for you or a loved one.
About the Author: Meredith Hettler, LMFT, National Director of Newport’s OCD and Anxiety Program
With more than 10 years of experience in the behavioral healthcare field, Meredith holds a master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Central Connecticut State University and an undergraduate degree in psychology from the University of Rhode Island. Her experience in the field includes working with individuals ranging from early childhood through geriatrics, treating a wide array of mental health, behavioral, and relational needs. She now specializes in working with adolescents and young adults. Meredith is trained in Exposure and Response Prevention therapy, Attachment-Based Family Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. She is also a certified yoga instructor.
Frequently Asked Questions
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