The Pros and Cons of Arguing by Text

Communication is at the heart of healthy friendships and romantic relationships. And texting with loved ones can support that goal, from checking in to coordinate meet-ups to sharing memes and photos. But arguing by text is often a different story.

While texting provides an easy way to connect, it’s not always the best option for handling conflict. Recognizing when to pause, when to use digital tools, and when to have face-to-face conversations can foster stronger, more resilient bonds with loved ones. 

What You’ll Learn

• What are some of the benefits of arguing by text?
• What are the drawbacks of having hard conversations by text?
• When should you shift from texting to talking in an argument?
• Is texting easier for neurodivergent or anxious people? 

What the Research Says About Arguing by Text

All technology comes with pros and cons, and texting is no exception. Research has shown that couples and friends often feel more connected when they can text throughout the day, especially if they live far apart or have limited time together. 

Sending check-ins, encouragement, and affection via text can strengthen bonds, make people feel more cared for, and help maintain authentic relationships. However, when texting shifts from lighthearted exchanges to conflict, the outcomes are less positive.

A survey of more than 1,000 people shed light on insights into tense text exchanges:

• Nearly 80 percent of respondents reported having argued by text.
• 48 percent said they argued with romantic partners, and 37 percent argued with friends.
• Almost 60 percent reported that these conflicts had a negative impact on their relationships.
• 59 percent felt that text-based arguments prolonged the conflict instead of resolving it.
• Most participants said they responded to an angry text within 1–4 minutes, and about 10 percent admitted that they replied within 30 seconds.

The findings suggest that quick, emotionally charged responses are common in text-based arguments. Fast replies often escalate conflict. Texting doesn’t allow time to pause and reflect before responding.

Should I Text About Emotional Topics?

There are both benefits and risks to talking about sensitive issues through text. Whether arguing by text helps or hurts depends on the people involved, the topic at hand, and the state of the relationship.

Communication Styles in Friendships and Romantic Relationships

Everyone communicates differently, and these differences can both strengthen and challenge relationships. In friendships, texting often feels like the natural choice, especially for convenience and speed. 

However, conflict through text in a friendship can quickly chip away at trust. Without tone or body language, what one friend sees as a casual remark may come across as dismissive or harsh to the other. Misunderstandings like these often linger until both people are able to clarify their feelings in person or over the phone.

In romantic relationships, the stakes can be even higher. Texting can be helpful to check in throughout the day, but relying on texting as the primary tool for resolving conflict can create cycles of misinterpretation. 

When you try to work through deeply emotional issues in writing, you miss opportunities to connect emotionally in real time. Repeated tension via text can lead to problems like relationship depression, anxiety, overwhelm, and emotional regulation problems.

How Do Neurodivergence and Underlying Anxiety Impact Arguing Over Text?

For neurodivergent young adults, texting can be both a relief and a risk. If you’re neurodivergent, you might find it easier to express yourself when you can write and revise messages before sending. You don’t need to worry about controlling natural behaviors, such as fidgeting or pacing. Neurodivergent people also tend to get overwhelmed more easily and take longer to process than neurotypical people, and it’s easier to take your time when you text.  

If you have anxiety, the idea of meeting in person or jumping on the phone might make you spiral. Emotional regulation can feel impossible in the middle of conflict, and you might blank out or get overwhelmed quickly. Facing the conflict head-on can make your short-term anxiety more intense. However, it also may soothe your long-term anxiety, because you’ll likely have access to more nuance and resolution when meeting in person.

If you have neurodivergence or anxiety, acknowledging this and being open about your communication preferences can reduce misunderstandings and create stronger, more supportive relationships. It’s also a good idea to talk about certain parameters around texting before things get heated. 

Should I Use ChatGPT for Arguments?

You might use ChatGPT or other chatbots to help you draft messages during arguments or sensitive conversations. Like texting, this has both benefits and drawbacks.

On the positive side, using any approach to slow yourself down and think about your responses is helpful. AI can help you pause, reframe your thoughts, and find less reactive language. It can also support you if you struggle to express yourself under stress. 

On the other hand, relying too heavily on AI makes communication feel less authentic, and it can’t capture the personal tone or nuance that comes from speaking directly from the heart. AI doesn’t know your relationship history and your levels of trust and connection, so its advice and summaries probably don’t fully apply to your specific situation.

5 Ways to Improve (or Avoid) Arguing by Text 

Texting about emotional topics sometimes offers a sense of safety and control. Other times, it creates confusion and distance. Direct, face-to-face conversations, though often more uncomfortable in the moment, are more likely to result in deeper understanding and repair. Here are some ways to improve texting conflicts, or shift the argument to another form of communication. 

1. Think about what’s worked and what hasn’t

Think back to times when digital communication was helpful and when it did more harm than good. What were the themes? What did you learn from those experiences? Being able to recognize patterns is the key to shifting behaviors. 

2. Use positive communication skills in both digital and in-person interactions

Ultimately, the healthiest relationships aren’t defined by using one communication method exclusively, but by developing flexibility. Learning how to call upon emotional regulation techniques, nonviolent communication, and other effective communication strategies helps you respond and engage with loved ones more effectively. 

3. Agree on parameters 

If you keep having tough text conversations, agree to pause when things get heated, and switch to talking in person or on the phone. Then, if your text communication starts feeling intense, you can remind the other person about your agreement.

4. Know when to take a conflict offline

Minor misunderstandings can often be smoothed over by text, or worked out quickly and effectively. Other times, tension can continue to escalate in harmful ways. If any of the following is happening, you should stop messaging each other and figure out in-person or voice alternatives: 

• Messages are becoming increasingly long or confusing
• One of both of you feels misunderstood
• You feel stuck in fight-or-flight mode
• You’re getting angry, frustrated, or despairing 
• The conflict feels like it’s putting the relationship at risk

5. Have language prepared for when you want to stop texting

Sending a message like, “I think this is too important to work out over text. Can we talk in person or on a call?” can deescalate a conversation and give you a chance to work things out in real time.

Treatment for Relationship Challenges at Newport Institute

Occasional miscommunication in friendships and romantic relationships is natural. However, when arguing and reactive fighting become a consistent part of a relationship, they can cause anxiety, distress, and irreparable damage. Learning how to de-escalate tense conversations and repair hurt feelings can help you build and maintain healthy, trusting relationships that can weather the ups and downs of life. 

At Newport Institute, our clinically proven, comprehensive treatment programs help you recover from intimacy and emotional regulation struggles. We treat underlying depression, anxiety, PTSD, and more to support young adults in gaining the tools to thrive.

The first step is reaching out. We’ll help you understand all your options and figure out the next best steps. Contact us today.and tailored treatment. Get in touch with us to schedule a no-cost mental health assessment and learn about your next steps.

Frequently Asked Questions