5 Tips for Setting Boundaries Around Holiday Gatherings

The holidays are full of fun, festivity, and… awkward conversations with relatives. Bringing everyone together is sometimes a recipe for tension, even conflict, and you may find yourself wanting to hide under the table or find something besides marshmallows to set on fire.

Creating boundaries before holiday gatherings can help you navigate moments where values or expectations clash. And it can allow you to rise above the fray and enjoy the seasonal festivities, no matter who has opinions about your life, relationships, and work.

What You’ll Learn

• What are good boundaries?
• How do you set good boundaries before the holidays?
• How do you support your mental health over the holiday season?
• What should you do if mental health symptoms get worse?

What Are Good Boundaries?

A boundary draws a line around what belongs to you and what doesn’t. It defines what you are responsible for and where that responsibility ends. Some things that we are responsible for include our bodies, our values, our thoughts, our actions, and our emotions. When other people cross into our space, trying to make us responsible for their actions or emotions—or trying to control ours—we can kindly but firmly reinforce our boundaries.

A sign that both people in an interaction have good boundaries is a sense of mutual respect, without crossing lines. You can respect someone’s beliefs without agreeing with them. And even if someone else doesn’t have good boundaries, you can continue to reinforce yours with patience and kindness.

“Good fences make good neighbors,” as Robert Frost writes in his poem “Mending Wall.” That’s because when we understand what’s ours and what isn’t, it’s easier to avoid confusion, misunderstandings, and inappropriate expectations.

Mental Health Benefits of Good Boundaries

Developing and enforcing personal boundaries can be uncomfortable, but it’s well worth the effort. According to a 2024 study published in Personality and Environmental Issues, being proactive in setting and maintaining boundaries contributes to stable relationships, positive mental health, and improved quality of life.

When you’re navigating tense situations, being kind but firm is always a good choice. And simply listening can go a long way in building trust and relationships. You can hear someone else’s point of view without giving too much of your time, and you can respond rather than react when you feel that someone’s overstepping.

Pay attention, be confident, and choose what you want to do. You’ll get a mental health boost from strengthening your relationships and making conscious choices for yourself.

What Does It Look Like to Set Good Boundaries Before the Holidays?

You can go into the holidays hoping that cringe-worthy conversations about your love life or interrogations about your future and your decisions won’t come up. But the better option is to prepare for when they do.

Decide ahead of time to limit your social activities

It’s not uncommon to experience anxiety before holiday events, even if you enjoy certain aspects of seasonal get-togethers. You don’t have to attend every holiday party or activity; in fact, it’s likely that you’ll need a break or some time to regroup. You can choose smaller gatherings or the ones where you know you’ll feel more comfortable. If you find open-ended events stressful, set a time in your own mind for when you’ll leave the event.

Come up with escape options

At some point, you’re going to need a break—so come up with a few ways to deal with those moments. Plan to take a quick trip to the local coffee shop, go for a walk, or hide out in an unused room to read on your phone for a few minutes. Volunteer to go to the grocery store for a last-minute item, like a bag of ice.

Phone a friend

We can all use an encouraging word when we’re feeling down or overwhelmed. Ask a friend or two to be on standby before the holiday festivities begin. That way, if you feel that you’re beginning to spiral, you can reach out for support. A simple text exchange or a short phone call may be all you need to reset and start feeling better.

5 Ways to Stick with Your Boundaries at Holiday Events

Setting boundaries for the holidays is easier than sticking by them in real time. It can be tough to hold the line when Aunt Mildred starts asking why you aren’t married, or your cousin Bill is prodding you about when you’ll “get a real job.” Here are some quick pointers to support you in the moment.

1.   Don’t take it personally

Most family members mean well, but they’re not subtle about expressing their concerns. They may have ideas of what they think will help you thrive in life that are based on their own experience and expectations. That’s not about you. Depending on your comfort level, you can laugh it off, change the subject, or share a little bit about your values and priorities.

2.   Avoid being baited

Some relatives might be on the hunt for a spirited conversation or even an open conflict. This is a good time to deflect. If someone starts poking fun or asks a mean-spirited question, just say, “Oh, that reminds me…” and ask another question on a different subject. You can also excuse yourself politely as if you’ve forgotten something important, and step away from the conversation altogether.

3.   Refuse to take sides

If a conflict breaks out during a holiday gathering, relatives might try to get you to take sides. That can leave you feeling uncomfortable, angry, or even responsible for resolving the issue unfolding in front of you. But that conflict doesn’t belong to you. State clearly and firmly that you don’t want to be involved, and ask the opposing parties to resolve it themselves.

4.   Find another activity

If conversation is starting to fester and you feel like you’re getting cornered, look for an opportunity to do something useful. Set the table, clear plates, clean up, play with the kids—generally make yourself busy.

5.   Steer the action toward something fun

One way to divert awkward conversations is to create conversations you’d like to be in. Think about interesting things you can talk about with your relatives, or things you can do together that are simple and enjoyable.

Ultimately, boundaries can improve your relationships with family and friends. Sticking to the, may feel uncomfortable in the beginning, especially if you have relationships where boundaries are commonly crossed. Your loved ones may feel rejected at first. However, if they care about the relationship, they will adjust—and you can begin to respect each other and trust each other more. Genuine relationships thrive on good boundaries.

Taking Care of Your Mental Health During the Holidays

The holidays can be tough on your mental health, whether you have nosy relatives or not. The festive season is often full of memories, both good and bad, and they can elicit some grief or feelings of loss.

This can make it more difficult to manage sensitive conversations with family members, friends, or neighbors. You simply may not be in the mood to discuss your life choices, and you may feel the opposite of self-assured. Neglecting healthy habits during this time of year can also negatively impact your mood and state of mind.

Pay attention to the signs that you’re sliding into a depressed or anxious state. With awareness and a little planning, you can pause and re-center yourself instead of spiraling.

If You Need Extra Support, We’re Here to Help

If you’re feeling anxious, irritable, depressed, or angry during the holidays, and your symptoms are getting worse—even if you are making changes and getting support from loved ones—you may need some extra help.

Make an appointment with a treatment professional so you can work through your symptoms, make adjustments, and process all the thoughts and feelings that the holidays bring.

For serious symptoms of depression and anxiety, Newport Institute is here to offer guidance, treatment, and support. Get in touch today to find out how we can help.

Frequently Asked Questions