The Power of Chosen Family, and How to Find It

We often hear how important family is, especially during the holidays, when every media platform depicts a wholesome, perfectly put-together family portrait. But for most people, it’s not this idealized image. Instead, almost 1 in 4 adults is stressed about family conflicts during the holidays. This can easily lead to strained relationships and even cutting ties altogether.  

You don’t need to give the idea of “family” the cold shoulder, though. There are significant mental health benefits to being part of a group you can pull support from—but it doesn’t mean you need to be related. In fact, many young people in particular have found that a chosen family can be one part of the puzzle in finding genuine support, embracing your authentic self, and even fighting off the winter blues.   

Read on to learn about the mental health significance of chosen family and why a Friendsgiving can actually improve your well-being.  

What You’ll Learn

• What is a chosen family?
• Why is chosen family particularly important for LGBTQ+ young adults?
• How does a chosen family mitigate stress and isolation for young people?
• When is treatment helpful for people who are disconnected from their family of origin?

The Benefits of Chosen Family   

The basis of a chosen family is love, free from judgment, since it comes from your choice rather than obligation. By choosing your family, you can explore and validate some of the most important parts of your life, and connect with people who share similar morals or perspectives. Not relating to your family of origin is common, so “finding your people” elsewhere can be incredibly freeing.   

According to a recent poll, more than 1 in 4 Americans are estranged from family members, with higher rates among men than women. And during the holidays, 22 percent of adults feel stressed about the anticipation of family conflict.  

Who Benefits from Chosen Family? 

The holiday season can prompt us to reflect on uncomfortable situations in the past and consider choosing different dynamics that support us socially and mentally, like a chosen family. Finding family outside of relatives can be powerful, especially for people who: 

• No longer have close family members  
• Identify as LGBTQIA+ 
• Don’t feel accepted by their family of origin 
• Moved away or are estranged from family 
• Feel like they don’t belong or feel unsafe with relatives 
• Experience physical or mental health challenges  

A chosen family is a reliable source of love, connection, and belonging. Even if you have a supportive family of origin, you can still have an additional group in which you can offer and access support. As you move through life and enter stages or circumstances when you don’t connect with your family as often, such as moving away from home, a chosen family can be especially important. 

The Special Significance of Chosen Family for LGBTQIA+ People 

A chosen family can be a life-saving support and form of solidarity for LGBTQ+ people, who all too often experience rejection from their family of origin. Specifically, 70 percent of lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth experience a degree of rejection from family, and half of LGBTQ+ people are estranged from at least one family member. That number jumps to 1 in 5 for transgender and nonbinary adults. 

Finding a supportive community and people is key to better mental health and is even responsible for lower rates of attempting suicide. In one study, chosen family was identified as integral to well-being and adjusting to a new environment for LGBTQ+ refugees.  

One LGBTQ+ young person shares this sentiment with The Trevor Project in a perfect way:  

5 Mental Health Benefits of a Friendsgiving

If you’ve found that being around your biological family is draining, or you’re not attending an event at all, this is a great time to connect over the holidays in a different way. Friendsgiving, a celebration of friendship that is typically held in November around the time of Thanksgiving, isn’t just a trend. People have found it helpful in many ways to surround themselves with like-minded people in preparation or replacement for a family get-together. 

Friendsgiving has become increasingly popular, with one poll suggesting that more than 68 percent of young people prefer it over a traditional Thanksgiving celebration. Here we look at why so many people have found this beneficial to their well-being.  

1. You’re able to look forward to the holiday rather than dread it.   

Obligatory family events can often become a chore, not the joy and excitement portrayed in TV ads. A Friendsgiving can shift the narrative and actually be something to look forward to. And during a season that often comes with a lot of external stress, a Friendsgiving can be the oasis you need.  

A chosen family gathering can also be a powerful tool to combat the winter blues, a common, mild mood change many people experience with the onset of the winter season, due to several factors, including less vitamin D and shorter days. A fun, nonjudgemental celebration can be the day of light you need to maintain a schedule that promotes social well-being.  

2. You feel less alone.    

Isolation can be one of the most significant detrimental factors in mental health. A study revealed that some of the highest stress points are related to isolation, such as feeling left out or missing loved ones. Especially for people experiencing grief or depression, finding a way to connect with those around you is vital to healing.   

When you’re experiencing difficult emotions, it can feel impossible to generate the motivation to reach out to those around you. The best thing you can do is be realistic. If it feels like too much, start small. Invite one friend over, or even schedule some time online gaming. Connection is what matters, not comparing yourself to the way others do it.  

3. You get to decide who’s at your table.  

Sometimes, we only see certain relatives a couple of times a year, but what sticks with us are the challenging conversations we’ve had with them in the past. Depending on what we have going on in our lives, the “When are you having kids?” question, interrogations about work or relationships, or comments about our weight can hit us harder than usual. Plus, it can make navigating political conversations that much more difficult after an election season when your relatives’ opinions differ from your own.  

Rather than sitting next to your problematic uncle, you could share a meaningful conversation with someone you want to be around. Because in reality, if you’re around someone close to you, topics should flow freely, even controversial ones. It can also lead to checking in with each other without a filter and getting an authentic take on how everyone’s feeling.  

4. You can make it what you and your group want or need.  

Sometimes family members ignore or question fundamental parts of your life that contribute to who you are, making it difficult or impossible to feel comfortable. If you have a goal of maintaining sobriety, for example, constantly being offered drinks can be overwhelming. For those with eating disorders, navigating the holidays can also be stressful. However, a chosen group would celebrate your growth and help you stick with your goals.    

Your group can work together to make your Friendsgiving a more inviting and accepting space. Maybe it’s providing a sensory-friendly environment, allergen-free meals, or clear start and stop times that make planning easier. With the right group, you won’t have to hide or be embarrassed by the access needs that make you feel comfortable.  

5. You build relationships and memories that last long past the holidays.  

Planning an event like Friendsgiving can set a precedent for regularly scheduled get-togethers, strengthening vital connections that can get us through the tough times and build resilience past the holiday season.   

Avoid screen time or watching sports on TV to get the most out of these times together. Try planning a playlist together where everyone contributes their favorite songs, or maybe put together silly PowerPoint presentations on topics you care about. Building memories is easier when the experience is in your own hands rather than dependent on the big game.  

This could be the first step in building your chosen family, which will become your new source of support and belonging.  

How to Find Your Chosen Family  

So, you’re ready to form this special bond with people outside your born family, but how do you start? Although it’s not always a straight path to shape your chosen family, here are some clear actions to guide you.  

Set time aside to find your people. 

Finding a chosen family isn’t always something that drops in your lap. Most of the time, it starts with the intention of finding the people you feel comfortable with and setting the time aside to build trusting relationships with them. If you don’t plan and prioritize those connections, you can fall into the trap of wishing but not acting.  

Reflect on what you believe in and what you enjoy.   

The root of finding your people is self-reflection. What do you believe in? What makes you, you? What are your goals for the future? Once you identify some of those answers, they can point you toward spaces you can start participating in. After all, being around like-minded people makes us the most comfortable.  

Join communities that bring comfort.  

Once you’ve identified what aspects of your life are the most important to you, it’s time to look into communities you can join. Whether it’s virtually or in-person, there are endless clubs, events, and businesses that center around community. For example, if you identify as LGBTQ+, you could participate in a GSA on your college campus, join a book club focused on queer topics, or contribute to a grass-roots group that works toward causes you care about.  

Remember that some communities can be rather large and have subgroups within them. So, even if you don’t find a suitable space right away, it’s all about exploring with an open mind and not settling just because someone says it’s the place to be.  

Build on relationships you already enjoy.  

Your chosen family doesn’t need to start from nothing. Sometimes, the most supportive people are already in your life! If you have a mentor who has inspired you, ask where they’ve found a supportive community. Or maybe you have a friend willing to go with you to a new club you want to join. Exploring our identity is less intimidating when we have someone who can guide and support us.  

Continue to invest in yourself and your chosen family.  

This may seem obvious, but relationships can be less meaningful if you don’t spend time with people. Try setting up a pattern or schedule for when you’ll connect with your chosen family, such as hosting a monthly potluck or playing a co-op game together on Sundays. (An added benefit: It’ll help ward off the Sunday scaries!) Stay connected, and don’t always rely on them to text you first to hang out or chat. When you invest in people close to you, they give you the same energy back, which fuels a better outlook on daily life.   

Trauma-Focused Support for Young Adult Mental Health

For young adults who have experienced trauma within their family of origin, it’s essential to process past experiences and find new, healthy connections with people you can trust and depend on. At Newport Institute, we support young adults to heal from trauma, attachment issues, and other mental health and substance use conditions.

Our clinical model is gender-responsive, and our experienced clinicians understand the unique challenges that LGBTQ young adults may face within their family and in society. Newport Institute’s team of experts guides young adults to build resilience and recognize themselves as strong, independent people. At Newport, young people learn—sometimes for the first time—that they are not alone and that they deserve love and a sense of belonging.

Contact us today to find out more about our young adult mental health treatment.

Frequently Asked Questions